2001-08-08 - 9:14 a.m.
guh. school today. another houranda half total driving time for whatwill prolly be 5 minutes of my professor telling me..."looks good so far but remember, next week is the end of the semester."
and me telling him its no problem...i can pump out 3 more drawings before then. and me, on the inside saying "god i am SOOO fucked." this whole moving, new job, new town, real life AND school shit is not easy. i thought i'd have no problem getting this shit done. i forgot i was a slacker, and a procrastinator.
and i'm still sorta upset. upset for a lot of reasons. heathur tells me i'm crazy. i hope she's right and i'm not being avoided. i'd hate to think that someone i found truly interresting and fun (not to mention a tasty morsel) would think i was boring or annoying..or worse, ugly enough to no longer speak to me. *sigh* maybe she's right...maybe i am just crazy. and if it werent for the fact that my past were so full of such similar incidents i would prolly sleep better at night.
but i guess life goes on.
i guess on days like today where the heat makes it so theres not much to do but dwell on things, i'll just have to deal with the fact that i'll prolly be lonely for quite some time. maybe the inner turmoil will inspire me to draw more. maybe...maybe...maybe i'll just lay here after i get back from school, in my air conditioning...mmmmm, air conditioning.
but moving on, the day has a lot of potential. who knows what will happen today...mayyyyybe something bad, mayyyyyybe something good. that's just it, we don't know.
so i'm not gonna bury myself in a hole of self-hate, because that's not really how i feel. it's not self hate anymore...that was a long time ago...and heathur has made sure that part of me is good and dead. so its not self hate, it's just timidness i guess...or maybe fear of being hurt again. sometimes it feels like it would be easier to just not get out of bed...there sure arent any boys in there now to break my little heart. hahaha. i have exorcised the demons...this bed is clear.
~J
