2001-08-09 - 10:33 a.m.
words on a screen he'd written to her, or about her, it really didnt matter...either way. and even though she's my best friend i found myself getting jealous in that silly girl sorta way. it wasn't an angry jealous by any means...not that kind of jealous that happens when your crush asks another girl to the dance, but the kind of jealous that happens when valentines day rolls around. that mournful, lonely, 'god-i-wish-someone-would-feel-like-that-about-me' kind of jealous.
because the words were so tender and unique...so heart-felt.
heh...heartfelt.
it reminded me that after all the guys not one of them had told me they loved me. honestly. they used the word to get what they wanted because they knew it was what i wanted to hear. but what they didnt know was that i knew. i knew it was like a worm on a hook, and i was the fish they dangled it in front of.
just once i would like to have words like that written about me. just once.
and he's gotta be out there somewhere right? there's got to be someone for me with the soul of a poet who can see past my faults...who can see past my insecurities and all my craziness. he's gotta be out there. right?
because as good as i've gotten at being alone, its still lonely. as much as i tell myself everyday that i don't need anyone, everyone needs someone. all you need is love. no truer words were ever written. and truth is what i'm after. love in the true meaning of the word. because people can tell you they love you, but when they dont really mean it you can see right through them. i wanna look in someones eyes and see it there. read something someone wrote and feel it there too.
maybe i'm jst crazy. maybe love doesnt exist. maybe its all in my head, or made up by the card companies like some people say. but i'm a dreamer, i want to believe in magic and dragons and that cigarettes wont really kill me.
~J
