2001-08-16 - 11:18 a.m.
heh. i was reading heathurs entry...and it made me sad. for a lot of reasons.
because i'm not that friends who's up for anything...because my whole life its been driled into my head that i have to keep my feet on the grund...(has bad flashback of neverending story scene) and i want to be that person. i want to feel free and uninhibited...but its hard to break old habits...hard to go against what you've been told your whole life is foolish and crazy and will only cause more problems.
but deep down i dont really believe it. i never have. but it's always been just me...little old me. three's never been a problem that they couldnt get me out of. and i've always thought its been because its just me. because i was all they had. no brothers or sisters to worry about...jus me. they've given me everything.
but they cant give me my freedom. they cant look into my heart and know that what i really need is to feel like i'm alive. feel like i can be myself, on my own, by myself, and get out of my own problems.
but its scary.
and there are alot of times i feel like a girl in a bubble. a protective bubble that's comforting but restrictive.
and sometimes change is hard.
for me anyways.
because i want to break free, but the fear of breaking those ties is a big one.
and then theres the part that says if i do break free, they'll alllll say i only did it because i'm trying to be like her. monkey see monkey do...like when i cut my hair, and when i got things pierced, and when i would voice my opinion...because my whole life i've been what everyone else wanted me to be. a good student, a well behaved child, a college graduate with honors,lisa's best friend even when she did nothing but hurt me, innocent.
but its never been me. i smoked in the bathroom in high school, i got my prom date drunk so he'd sleep with me, i pined after the sasistant art teacher, playing scenes over in my head that were worse than a porn flick. i WANTED the short hair because I liked it, i WANTED the piercings because I liked them...and no one wanted to believe that.
because everything i like and everythign i want has been done before. people always tell you to be yoursself but they leave out the part that says "but only if its not the same as someone else"
and i wanted to go to the cape with her and shannon.
wanted to feel my toes in the sand. because we never did anythin glike that in my family. never did anything or went anywhere that may cost a few dollars and put us in jeopardy if god forbid outta the blue a week later the furnace might blow up.
i wanna feel the sand in my toes, and see the beach at night.
but i have to work.
have to?
yes. its a new job.
its always something.
sometimes i think its just not meant to be.
that i'm gonna be stuck in this bubble forever.
so think of me while you're there.
and give me a little time to gnaw through these strings my family tied to my arms and legs as a child...i'm almost through.
