2001-08-20 - 7:12 p.m.
sometimes i think i'm crazy...for being so jealous...because he loves her so much.
and theres on one who thinks about me like that...although i think about someone all the time.
but i'm grasping at straws to feel special. i think i'm begining to make shit up in my head. i just wish i knew if he thought about me at all.
its everywhere...people in love...even at work today thre was this cute couple at the register...and as i was scanning their stuff and putting it in a cart for them he wraps his arms around her and hugs her and kisses her...and i found myself getting so damn angry.
and i began packing that damn cart so tight it prolly took em an hour to get everything out...and more than one thing prolly got squished. but i didnt care. because i was angry...and jealous...and damnit theres a time and a place.
but for the most part i was so hurt by it that i almost cried...right there...right at my register.
not that they hurt me, but that fate hurt me, god hurt me...because it wasnt me. it wasnt me with someone's arms around me...there is no boy who just cant wait another minute to have me in his arms...
and i wanted to cry...i didnt tell them to have a nice day. i just wanted to plop my ass down on the dirty concrete floor of that wholesale club and cry like i havent cried in a long time. cry even though there arent any tears left...cry for everything i thought i would be and thought i would have...that i thought just automatically happened as you grow up...that you meet someone and they fall in love with you. cry because there's nothing else i can do about it anymore.
because no matter what i do, i cant MAKE it happen.
~J
