2001-09-10 - 10:26 a.m.
i thought maybe today would be the day.
the day when i culd just spill all my beans and get everything in my brain onto this screen. every feeling that swims through my silly brain somehow into words that someone else might understand...but thats harder than it sounds.
because alot of it is stuff i dont wanna admit to myself yet.
things like how mike was online last night...because he has spy tech and he knows. and heathur told me i should talk to him. cuz ya know, i havent in a long time, and i'm feelin all not-so-great about myself lately...(and theres nothing like an old flame telling yo uthey still want you, even if it IS only in that naughty way.)
so i wrote.
and as usual i waited...
and as usual he didnt say anything back.
jerk.
dont boys know that sometimes they just need to tell you yer beautiful, that they want nothing more than to ravage you...and that this makes us girls happy people??!!
so there i was trying my hardest to not be upset over this...and at the same time trying my damndest (which i'm afraid isnt very good anyways) to flirt with this other guy (try..fail...try again...fail again) because he for some reason has me so intrigued that i cant stop thinking about him...i mean, shit, mike sent me an emaila few weeks ago telling me how he now realizes he was a complete ass and he's all sorry, and i basically blew him off cuz i was talking to this other person, whom i'm sure has no interrest in me whatsoever...
and as i was laying in bed last night, talking to myself in silence, as we all do when we scold ourselves, i began to play that old game of...
"who did you think you were kidding, no one is gonna like you.
mike never even liked you.
neither did sean or justin."
"you should just crawl back into that shell jamie, its safe there...dont listen when they tell you how great you look because its all lies, because you have such a pretty face..."
and i realized how lame i was being.
fuck everyone if they cant take a joke.
damnit i want a fucking hug, and if i have to break shit to get one then damnit i'm gonna do it.
because i WILL NOT get depressed.
and just because the only guys who like me are white trash car monkeys with the vocabulary and comprehension skills of a fifth grader doesnt mean i'm doomed to become their bitch on the back of a bad ninja bike or riding shotgun in a broke down, beat up iroc z-28 fucking camaro!!!!
I WILL RIDE BITCH ON A HARLEY DAVIDSON...
I WILL RIDE SHOTGUN IN A NICELY REDONE OLD MUSCLE CAR...
I WILL NOT HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHAT THE BIG WORDS MEAN TO MY NEXT BOYFRIEND!!!!
ahh. now that was empowering wasnt it.
i shall overcome.
i shall not be moved...
I HAVE A DREAM.
~J
