2001-09-18 - 9:13 p.m.
today was just shitty. i woke up in a bad mood, i went to work in a bad mood...spent the whole day in the angry pants.
its amazing how silly work can get...when its all you do it becomes this tiny microcosm...this qhole little universe, where the rest of our life is irrevolent...almost like being in a play. everyone has a role...but you know when their not there they are completely different people.
sometimes i wonder if they'd like me if they knew me...without my "have a good nights" and my mimicked concern for the company. i mean, what would they think if they knew that the jamie they know is so far removed from the jamie who really exists behind the mask that it's like night and day?? if they knew every other word out of my mouth is usually followed by an expletive...if they knew what i thought when i looked at frankenstein boy sans pimp stache...if they knew what i was like at all...
classic. its like a fun little movie i star in.
because no one wants to admit that they're stuck there...that they all wanted more out of their lives but this is where they ended up.
so its all smiles and concern and small talk.
i know it sounds awful but its actually totally funny to see happen.
because i bet there are alot of people there that i would get along great with...even better than i do now if we could just be ourselves...if we could just be honest.
(if frankenstein boy would just admit he wants to ravge me in the tire stacks...lol. hey i dont really like him but a girl's gotta have SOMETHING to think about all day, and what better to boost the ol' self esteem than to think you could steal the almost cute dumb as a post manager from his fat ugly service desk nazi girlfriend...muahahaha.)
ok i'm done being a bitch now.
and i'm sure it's thoughts like those that keep me from finding the man of my dreams...but damnit i stand by the fact that people who are not nice do not deserve to have significant others. and if i must be the avenger of such not nice people, than so be it.
but i DO think about other stuff at work...other people...although i know it's silly. i know it's a reach...but damnit it gets so boring at that cigarette counter sometimes...and well,i'm just a poor silly girl with foolish dreams.
dreams i dont even wanna dream.
cuz i'll only get hurt.
i tell myself i should stick to pepole like frankenstein...
but i just cant do it anymore...i can't settle.
i want someone who's smart...who's talented...who's funny...who's NOT like all the rest. someone different...someone a little more, i dont know..someone who'll walk through a cemetary and see the beauty of it.
i dunno.
i should just stop now...
i've prolly said too much already...
*looks around*
cuz there are spies everywhere....
~J
