2001-09-21 - 9:43 p.m.
ok so i know its still friday...and i already wrote an entry today...but a lot has transpired since this morning...my head's been filled with thoughts (thanks heathur)...and i dont know if i'm coming or going.
its that bad love/hate thing happening again. i thought i was rid of this. i guess i'll never be rid of it.
because at one moment i think about the last time i saw him...as he laid beside me...spewing sweetness and everything he knew i wanted to hear...and it was funny because i was so mad and so hurt and so done with it at the time that i wanted nothing more than for him to leave...when normally i would want nothing more than for him to stay there forever, my head on his chest, moving with each breath, his hands moving through my hair and down my back and brushing my face like in a movie...and he'd never really done that before...and HE asked me to lie with him like that...and to this day i still dont know if that's really what he wanted or if he thought it would make me swoon and give in to what he USUALLY wants...i dont know. and i really wish i did. becaues i think i know...i know what i want to think anyways...i want to think it was just a coy plot to get me to give up the poonanny...and then i got that email...and now i dont know anymore. and i dont think i'll ever know. because the mike i know will lie about it till he's blue in the face, and the me i know knows this and would never TRULY believe him even if it were the truth...even if he really did realize he loved me too much to hurt me anymore.
then the jaded side of my brain takes over...and i hear his father's voice on the phone that Christmas...yes, christmas...i called to wish him and his family a happy holiday...and i ask..."Hi is mike there?"
i hear his dad...
"yeah is this monique?"
monique???????
and just who the fuck is monique?
and i felt it...
my heart broke into about a million pieces...
that's when i stopped crying.
i havent shed a real tear since...i mean, ok i'll get misty if there's a good tv movie on or oprah helps me remember my spirit....but other than that and the occasional single drop in moments of weakness, that was it...that was the last of my heart and he broke it. i can cry but no tears come out...its weird actually.
and the other times..."oh my friend is trying to hook me up with this girl..."
"ppft...well are you gonna do it?"
"i dunno maybe"
and this was to my face...
now i can't prove that any of these girls were really his girlfriends but i've seen enough rikki lake and sally jesse raphael to know when something isnt right.
but there's nothing here for me to hold onto...nothing real...
and i keep reminding myself that HE isnt real either...he's so fake it hurts. because although it would be fun...and everyone needs some fun...it's like playing with matches. you think everything is fine and then the next thing you know the house is on fire...and you're living in a van...DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!!
so its time to stop. it's time to move on. isnt it?
isnt it?
i strongly believe i can't let go because there's nothing to take his place.
so all i can do is hope something new will come along and someone new will break my heart...or fix my heart...could it be you???
do i frighten you???
do you want me to??
haha.
maybe tomorrow everything will be brighter again.
as long as i dont have any more crazy dreams.
~J
