2001-09-21 - 8:50 a.m.
the more i think abut it, the more confused i get...its like even my brain hates me...it's gone into dream mode again...you know, where every night it picks a person from my torrid past and reminds me of how much my life has sucked, and how greeat it MIGHT be if things ever went my way.
just the mention of his name makes me feel nauseous now...mike...guh.
bain of my existance.
tugger of my lil' heart strings.
i've enver been as mad in love with someone as i was with him. i wonder if i'll ever truly get over him...if i'll ever be able to look at his picture or think about him and not have that twinge of sad...because the twinge of sad is worse than the mind numbing rage that comes along with the whole package.
toni braxton and gool ol' babyface said it best..."how could an angel break my heart???"
i'm hoping that i'm only thinking about him because there's no one else to think about right now...my other options are pretty much non-existant, and so the mind wanders.
but i can't do that again..can i?
i know its not good, it can't be good. no-one that breaks your heart that many times can possibly be a good thing.
but there's no one else to come over at night and make me feel pretty, make me feel like a girl...make me feel wanted and important...
but after he leaves he doesn't make me feel those things either...cuz i know its not true. i know why he'd come over (if i told him where i lived now)and it's not for any of those reasons.
damnit!!!!
i hate this.
i hate feeling this.
i hate feeling like i'd sacrifice my integrity and my pride...just for a few moments of feeling warm and special.
will strong...body weak.
must be strong...must hold...out...
must wait...must push thoughts of evil..from brain!!!!!
~J
