2001-09-30 - 8:53 p.m.
guh.
pfft.
sometimes life is so damn uneventful that it makes you sad.
i hate that my life is so predictable. and monotonous.
on days like today i just wanna pick up and do something crazy...
something that makes no good sense...
like take off and go on a roadtrip...or go backpacking through europe...or, or, or...i dunno.
but alas it takes money to do stupid things. and money is one thing i have none of. i can hardly live...and this can't be really living.
i wanna just grab my camera and go...
and i wanna just grab hold of someone and kiss them today. becaues i was standing at work...me,in front of a cabinet full of cigarettes, and i suddenly realized out of the blue that i dont remember what it feels like to kiss someone. really kiss someone. it's been so long. years really. i dont even remember when my last kiss was. i wish i did. i'm sure i didnt realize at the time that it would be so long until i got another one...i hope i enjoyed it.
so theres no one to kiss and no way i can just pick up my shit and head out to europe...*sigh*
and i need a haircut.
and i dont know how to dance...
i just watched that movie, Save the Last Dance...and it was sooo good i nthat sappy girl movie way. it made me wish i knew how to dance...i remember when i wanted to take dance lessons. i was a little girl, and my father looked me dead i nthe face and said to me..."no daughter of mine is gonna be a prissy ballerina."
so no dance lessons for me. i had even bought little tap shoes with my allowance. i think about 10 years later i gave them to the little girl who lived next door to my grandmother...it made me sad to give them up. even though they didnt fit anymore. i guess my dad always wanted a boy. everyone else in my family did. i remember when my mom told me the day i was born my grandmother cried becaues she wanted a grandson so bad and i was a girl...but i guess i grew on them. i guess they didnt have much choice. i know they love me, but i wish i could've done other girly things when i was little. dance lessons, girl scouts..."no daughter of mine is gonna be a wussy girl scout...you wanna know how to survive in the wilderness, i'll show you myself."
instead i learned how to fight, and how to hunt...how to shoot a gun and how to fish...i learned how to plant a garden and fix things when they break. i learned how to box and how to spit. i learned how to get my hands dirty.
and now i'm all grown up. and i'll never be a ballerina and i'll never sell girlscout cookies...
oh well.
its ok right??
none of that matters in the grand scheme of things.
it'll allllll be ok. someone will love me...someone will understand...someone will find me just twisted enough to be fascinating.
~J
