2001-10-07 - 8:52 p.m.
there's so much i wanna say. but i dont know if its the right time.
i dont know if there's ever a right time.
cuz every other time saying something has fucked shit up.
and i feel so silly.
this is stuff that happens to other people..to heather...not me. it's not supposed to happen to me.
i'm not suppoesd to like anyone anymore.
i wasnt gonna let myself get into any sort of situation where i might get hurt again.
and this is just absurd.
i have no chance in hell...
it would never work...
would it?
and why am i even thinking it?
i must be crazy. i must've lost my mind somewhere between the train station work and here...i must've...i must've...
but its there. and its eating away at my insides...rabid butterflies. because deep down i know its there...i dont want it to be there but it is.
i like him.
and i wanna know what i should do about it, but i feel so damn silly. i prolly shouldn't do anything. shouldnt ruin a good thing by opening my mouth...i learned that lesson. never tell anyone you like them or they will leave. its a rule or something. or a curse. i should keep my stupid mouth shut.
i shouldnt even be writing this but the stupid girl in me just can't take it anymore...because its there.
because i've been trying to deny it for a while. i've been trying to fight it off with a stick but it just keeps gnawing at my insides...rabid butterflies.
how'd i get here?
so far away?
~J
