2001-10-15 - 7:01 p.m.
is everyone in love???
people on the train, on the computer, at work, at school, god they're just everywhere...like a plague.
my plague.
cuz i'm the only one who seems to notice...who seems to care...who seems to hate every second of it, because i'm so damn jealous i can't seeeee straight.
because no one else notices the way the boy at work put his hand on the small of the girl's back as they walked away from me...i don't even think SHE noticed...which makes it even worse.
and now patty's gettin lovin' which i think is awesome, but at the same time makes me want to cry because now i don't have anyone to bitch with...anyone to sit in my living room with and wonder if aliens ar escripting our lives because it all seems so damn unfair...now i'm the only one left.
and i'm getting older.
it was somehow ok when i was 17...seemed bad, but hell i had my whole life ahead of me...now i'm 22, which isnt OLD, but its older...and i still havent met anyone. and it's been such a long time. such a very long time since i've felt like i was in the running...in the meat market..a viable girl.
its like i said to patty, i need something tangible. somehting i can reach out and hold onto, someone i can hear on the phone, a real voice...
and i'm not hearing anything.
they all say it'll happen when i least expect it...to not look for it, but damn, i'm 22, all i do all day is work and go to school...what else am i supposed to do? ponder world issues? crochet? bad enough i already do a crossword puzzle every night before i go to bed...go to bed so early because there's nothing to really stay up for except perhaps a good episode of the crocodile hunter.
god i'm gonna cry.
and i want it to not matter.
and i want the fact that i havent heard from someone to not bother me...i want the fact that i havent met any guys even remotely interresting at school to not bother me...i dont want it to matter. but everything around me says it does mater. it says theres something not right somewhere and its lookin like that something is me.
its always been me.
i've always been fucked up.
they were right...
~J
