2001-11-20 - 11:57 a.m.
well, another birthday come and gone...and they seem to be coming closer and closer together...but the kicker is, i still feel like on the inside i'm 17...but 23 isnt old...i'm not going off on THAT tangent...not yet. but i always thought that by this time there'd be someone...someone.
i thought that as i got older it would matter less how i looked...matter less that i wasnt part of the cool kid club. but at school the other day, this guy went by all my new "friends" and said hi to them in this crazy dancing way, and when he got to me, he stopped, said "i dont know who you are but hello anyways" and danced off...i stood there a minute, becaues i thought i was doing good...er better anyways, i thought i was pretty sociable this year...not just the girl who kept to herself and did her own thing...and i was amazed at how much it bothered me...because i'd talked to this kid before and apparently he just didnt remember...i knew who he was...but he obviously didnt know who i was. and it almost hurt. almost...
and i'm so far behind in hours at school. i need to get lab time...we're graded on it. and i have to put in 27 hours a week from now until dec.13...which means i have to take tuesdays off from work so i can go in and do...i dunno, something at school...just be there. i can read or develop or print...but i always develop and print while we're in class...so theres nothing left to do when i clock in for hours...which is why i havent really gotten many..i usually come home to shoot more pictures, but then its just a viscious cycle that starts all over again. i'm doing very well in lass and it pisses me off that i'lll get a bad grade in the end because i didnt hang around and do nothing for 16 hours a week all semesster...they dont understand that i work fast...they dont understand i dont get financial aid so i need to work in order to pay my bills AND buy all my supplies...40 bucks fer 100 sheets of paper, 40 bucks fer 50 sheets of film...it adds up my friends it adds up fast.
so now i'm taking tuesdays off...fer 3 weeks, and i'm gonna hope that since most of those weeks are in dec, i'll still have enough to pay bills and rent with any christmas money i get.
and the woman at scohol told me in not so many words that maybe i should drop out...my jaw dropped. i couldnt believe i was hearing it. she didnt try to help me find a way, she just looked at me like i was some street urchin who didnt know what i was doing and got in way over my head...i felt like saying "i've got aplan for my life sister and it starts here...and i dont care who you think you are, i'm not going to listen to you tell me that my dreams arent going to come true...i'm not going to let you sit here and tell me that because i cant pony up enough dough that i cant work for rolling stone magazine some day...that because i'm not in your little history of photo class that i'm not good enough for you to help out"
so now its a mission. to stick it back in that bitch's face...i'm gonna camp out at that damn school, and i'm gonna get enough hours to get a good grade even if it means my christmas is gonna suck because i'm gonna have to use all my money that i get to pay off other bills and rent because i have to spend all my time in school. i'm on a mission to go further in my life than she has...just so that maybe someday...someday, when i'm rich and living the posh new york photographer life, selling prints fer thousands of dollars a piece at auctions...she'll need something from me...and i can look her dead in the eye and tell her i'm sorry but there's nothing i can do to help her.
i'll do this my damn self, because i dont think anyone believes i can do it on my own...i dont think anyone believes i'll go anywhere...but i'm just vengeful enough to do it in spite of them.
