2001-11-23 - 11:13 a.m.
yesterday was thanksgiving. and it started out to be pretty good...woke up at mom's with the smell of turkey hanging in the air...got dressed up all nice to go to the football game, but there werent many people there. well, many people i knew. maybe we should've gone to jack's the night before but i just didnt have it in me to go then. and i dont even know why i care. i guess it's because sometimes you need to know that the people everyone thought would go so far are still just as lost in their lives as you are...that the football jocks aren't really as scary and intimidating now that you're older...it's a strange thing really that calls to you to go back just to seee...just to see. and ok i'll say it...sometimes it's nice to know that some of those "perfect" people went off, got themselves knocked up while they were partying a little too hard one night and have become a little less perfect. its like a class reunion where you go and try to show everyone you're better than they gave you credit for. although its all just a big lie. hugging people you dont really like.
an dso there i was at the football game, with heathur...looking around making the occasional rude comment...the usual, and then brett comes over. havent seen him in a few years. he's still brett though. and he tells us pominville is engaged.
pominville.
i laughed it off.
haha.
trying to pretend it didnt bother me...
trying to figure out why in fact it did.
so i tried to shake it off all day. i have yet to do so.
i'm almost glad we didnt actually see him. i dont know what i'd say.
i dont know if i'd say anything.
i dont know why i'm even thinking about it.
so anyways i went back to the mom's, had a great meal, ate wayyyy too much, and the rest of the day went well.
i tried very hard to not get jealous when jenn would talk about all the great stuff that was happening to her at school...all the great job leads she has...all the while thinking i'm about to fail out of my school for not having enough lab hours. and she's going to england and scotland fer a week...i'm going to work. she's got this great internship...i'm working in retail to pay my bills.
and then i go to my other grandmothers house...and my dad's there. and i dont know it all snowballed and my dad makes me cranky in general so i started bitching about everything and there they are telling me i should just be happy i have a job..and that it'll be ok if i dont make it doing what i want to do. i strongly disagreed. i told my grandmother i'd rather die than know i was going to work in retail the rest of my life. and for some reason yesterday it all seemed hopeless.
then i lost my atm card, or thought i did when it was really just floating around in my pocketbook in a rarely used pocket....i was glad to get back to my little apartment and go to bed last night.
back to normal.
back to ordinary.
and i posted a resume on monster.com this morning. just because i know i cant give up. because i know it's not over yet. because even if i DO fail out of this school that still doesnt mean i wont do what i set out to do and be a great photographer. it'll just take a little longer and be a little harder.
right??
