2001-12-29 - 8:53 p.m.
well, today was just another one of those days...boring, uneventful, and pretty much just like the day before. just had t ogo into work at a diffrent time.
but i was thinking at work today...about lots of stuff, and i realized that i had blown off lisa's little christmas extravaganza completely. and i didnt even realize i was doing it. lol. ok, ok, i shouldnt laugh. but damnit, whenever i see her it sends this pang of emotion through me that i wish i could bottle and let other people have, because i dont even know how to explain it. all i know is that its bad. because she's lisa. because she wanted us to go to her perfect little apartment so she could cook us a perfect little dinner and prolly hang out with her perfect little boyfriend...and have alll of us reminisssss on years gone by when we all used to be friends and get together with all the old crowd, and actually have fun doing it.
i dunno...i guess some things you just cant recapture, no matter how hard you try...and you just have to let them go.
she thikns she's so much better than me. i think thats what gets me. she'd never say it, but its in the way she talks...the way she walks and the way she looks at me sometimes. it's in the way her mom and her family looks at me now...like i'm hardly human anymore. because i'm not striving to be her anymore. because i dont dress like her and i dont look like her, like because there's metal in my face and ink on my shoulder that i've become less of a person than i used to be. because i finished school too and i dont have a cushy job yet doing what i want to do.
i dont know. i used to think of her family as my own...her mom used to bring me school shopping...i've played nintendo in her brothers bedroom and seen her neighbor in diapers...i feel like i've been excommunicated in a sense.
so why should i subject myself to all this negativity???? thats the question. hopefully it'll just allll blow over and no one will notice.
and then i began to realize what marcus said (and well heathur said it too) about how i'm so angry. and it occurred to me that not only are they right, but when i stopped to think about it, i dont know how to make it go away..to make it stop...and to prove it i thought about mike...and sean...and i felt the old demon begin to rise up from somewhere inside and flush my cheeks...and i stopped my self and said..."ok, now let it go." and it didnt work, and so i tried to forgive them...and i dont know how. i mean i said it to myself and i meant it, but it doesnt make the anger go away...maybe i'm stuck with it forever even tho i dont wanna be. i dunno, i think i'm rambling...so maybe i should stop. ok i'm stopping.
and did i mention today that i would really like a boyfriend? a boyfriend and a closet to put my clothes in...mine is only a foot deep, so all my clothes are piled in there on the floor. imposible to keep clean and unwrinkled. *sigh*
i dont think its too much to ask? do you?
~J
