2002-07-24 - 9:19 a.m.
welll...i've been here a year now. in this apartment. in this place. i remember i had so much hope when i moved here. i thought a new place might bring new things...and sure it did...it brought a lot more shit. a lot more stress...and a whole lot less money. its hard when people tell you it's all gonna be ok....especially when you're almost positive it wont be. it prolly never will be ok again.
i'll never have a good summer again.
i'll never not worry about stupid stuff again.
this whole place and this whole situation i like to call my life just keep getting worse and worse. but what the hell can i do but trudge on?? its not bravery, its just not having any other alternative.
i dunno. i hate being here, i hate this stupid apartment, i hate this stupid job, and i can't even bring myself to think about school this coming year...because i dont know how in the world i'm ever going to get through it. i'm gonna need to take off all this time from work and shit just to get my stuff all perfect, and there's just no possible way that can be done without me falling into a hole of debt that i'll never be able to crawl out of.
fucking bleak.
and who the fuck keeps calling me at 9am every morning???? i know its a courtesy call, cuz no one picks up right away...and so i just hang up, and when no one calls back, that just goes to prove it. some morning i'm gonna wait till they say hello and give them a piece of my mind. today's my day off. and sue me if i wanna sleep in just one day...but NOOOOOOOOOO. and we all know its impossible to go back to sleep after being jolted outta bed at 9am.
so here i am...at my computer...worrying about shit. the usual. and i wish i could turn it off...i wish i could get my dad's voice out of my head...and my mom's voice outta my head...
i wish i could plan for the future but i cant even seem to plan for this afternoon.
~J
