2002-09-02 - 8:20 p.m.
*sigh*
i dont think this past week couldve been any worse.
our beloved pups is no more.
and its so weird. i dont get attached and this is exactly why...but somehow...somewhere, that little bastard did it...he wound his fat wide ass right into my heart. and although i can hardly imagine how heather feels right now, i can honestly say i'm fucking devastated. and i miss the hell outta him already.
and i cant decide if i should blame myself or not...because i'm not a vet, and the vet she took him to in february didnt seem to think there was anything wrong...
famous last words.
and i kick myself for not calling the vet the day before...when i thought i should...but i also thought he'd be fine. it had happened before and he was always ok.
and i hate that he's not here.
i hate that his toys and his litter box still are...
i hate that i'll never be able to throw away that stupid stick...
i hate that i'll never have to chase him outta my room again at night...
i hate that i'll never be able to jiggle his fat belly again...
i hate that i'll never be able to sneak him pieces of my subway grinder again...
i hate that he never got those squirrels...
i hate that i'll never have him on my lap in the bathroom again...
and i even hate that i'll never have to yell at him for scratching the walls again...bastard. he always knew i hated when he did that.
but most of all i hate that i'll never be able to do the voice again...h'ok.
i loved doing his voice.
it was one of my favorite things to do...even when no one else was around, i did his voice...
i'll miss the way he'd come in my room when no one else was here, and sit on my lap when i was at the computer...and i'll miss how he used to watch tv with me.
but i wasnt supposed to get attached.
i didnt want to like him...
but somehow, he found a way. maybe it was the voice. maybe it was the look...i dont know.
all i know is now i'm fucking miserable.
and theres a new cat.
and i dont know how i feel about it. its cute, its little, its different, and i guess i'll get used to it.
but damn its just not the same...cuz this is kitten...and pups was cat. big fat lazy impossible cat. fucking impossible.
if i had known he wouldnt make it i would've stayed with him. and as silly as it sounds it really bothers me that he died in a strange place with strange people.
listen to me....
this wasnt even my damn cat.
heh.
no, he wasnt my cat....
he was one of my best fucking friends.
and i miss the hell outta him.
~J
