2005-06-23 - 7:03 p.m.
where the hell did this come from? i suddenly remembered this site and why it all began....seems like a thousand years ago...but it also seems like yesterday...and its funny how much i've changed as a person, how much i've learned and lived and loved and remained almost exactly the same.
so its almost the fourth again...dundundun...
and i am reminded of years past and ages ago when i lived in a coccoon of comfort and thouhgt i was miserable. and maybe i was...maybe i wasnt...but it sure felt like hell, and it WAS uxie so its sure possible.
but things happen in life
things that define who you are and the years that follow and the person you grow into...and the fourth is one of those times...one of those experiences that will never go away...never stop resounding in my head telling me exactly who i was and also telling me that who i was was ok.
but its not that life anymore...and somedays i wish it was and other days i wish it wasnt.because i miss the excitement and the uncertainty of how it was...i miss the early hours of morning...the glow of a computer screen...and the chase.
and it baffles me...that i finally got what i wanted...and realized soon after that the chase was far more enticing than the catch.
but even though im here...and im happy...happiness is irrevalent. its not that im not happy, and its not that i AM happy with my life...its the fact that life has seemed to have slowed down to a crawl...and years pass by and i still feel the same. fell like im chasing some dream thats just beyond my grasp...and i thought it was love i was after...but that wasnt it cuz i found that...and theres still this hole...this feeling of how do i catch up...i do i catch what it is that im running after...
and im rambling.
again.
ha.
isnt that what i used to do here?
maybe i have come full circle. i mean, it IS almost the fourth...and thats when things seem to happen. always have.
~J
