2006-10-12 - 10:09 a.m.
guh. im sick today. thanks mom.
and i've been thinking...i know...thats never good. but no really ive been thinking about my life and what i want and..and ...and...thanks heathur. i was almost happy in my coccoon of complacency...almost ready to sell my soul for a little house with a white picket fence in the middle of suburbia with a beautifully manicured lawn and possibly a dog...but no.
now im reminded of my dreams of grandeur...dreams of glory and mad crazy success and villas in italy..and plastic surgeons and parties where people call each other dahhling. and i forgot i wanted that.
i seem to want a lot of things.
but i cant have both..i cant have the ny penthouse and the little house in suburbia...i cant have the family dog and a little dog i carry in my purse at the same time. damnit.
and why cant i make up my mind...why dont i know what i want?? it should be like ordering at a resteraunt...do you want chicken or beef? its easy...someone mentions a good idea and you go with it or you dont...its for you or its not for you...why is it all so damn complicated? i mean they ask little kids what they wanna be when they grow up..and you say a fireman or an astronaut...or a doctor or something...how is it i was somehow able to plead the fifth to that question? i was prolly the little kid who said "i just wanna be rich"...cuz lets face it after alls said and done i AM a materialistic weasel. i wont lie.
so anyways here i am trying to decide what it is i really WANT out of life. and its weird because much like me, i like too many things to make a clean cut decision.
maybe the universe will help...i need marcus or sylvia browne to tell me what i should do...because im wasting valuable time...and valuable resources.
guh. i hate being sick...way too much thinking time.
~J
